Losing my mom back in August was one of the worst days of my life. It shook my very foundation and the pain was and still is horrific. So horrible until it landed me in the hospital for 3 days, two weeks ago, because I allowed it to manifest in my body by not giving it it’s proper release. I refused to grieve. I was not willing to accept the unacceptable truth of losing my closest friend, my sister friend, my safe space, my warmth, my love…my mommy.
As I sat in the hospital and looked around into the faces of my beloved dear husband, my brother, my father, my son…the men who love me the most…I saw in their eyes fear, despair and defeat because they couldn’t fix it for me…men like to fix things. The love that I felt radiating from those men as they all surrounded my bed, literally lifted my spirit and my actual body. It was in that moment I was reminded how much I’m loved, cared for, cherished and needed. My oldest brother called me from Georgia and I could feel his fear and love through the phone. Mom taught all of us how to love and care for one another. It was in that moment that I remembered that love. A lot can happen in 3 days. Jesus rose from the dead in 3 days and I rose from that bed in 3 days with a renewed mindset and strength.
My mother accompanied me on my last 4 speaking engagements before she passed. I remember her saying to me as we left one of the gigs…she said, “You had those folks mesmerized. You could hear a pin drop in the place. All eyes were on you because you had something real to say to them. Don’t stop doing what you do, because people need you. What you are saying to the people is needed and they are hungry for it. I am so proud of you. And you looked so pretty.” I remembered what she said, “They need you.”
We’re only here in this world for a brief moment and we are here for a purpose. When we lose sight of that purpose, we forget who we are. Where purpose is unknown, abuse is inevitable. Two days before landing in the hospital, my daughter said to me, “Mom, I know you miss grandma and so do I. But you’re my mother and I don’t want to lose you.”
It frightened my children that I was in the hospital. I’ve never been in the hospital but only to have babies and some brief out patient procedures. I had to figure out how I landed there. I did. It was because I had forgotten who I was and why I am who I am. The great thing is that we can at many moment remember. Love allowed me to remember. I keep telling you guys that LOVE is the most powerful force in the universe.
I still miss mama so badly. But I also remember that my mother lived life full out. She left nothing undone. Everything that she ever wanted, she brought it. Everything that she wanted to do, she did it. She was fun, loving and straight to the point. She lived her dreams, she loved her family and friends, she fulfilled her purpose in life and left a rich legacy for all to remember and live through. Everything that she promised, she honored.
My mother loved me so completely. I never had to second guess that love. What we shared as mother-daughter was something so sacred and so precious that I can’t give it language. People saw it when they saw us together. I’m my mother’s daughter…yes. And I will always be. Yet, I must never forget that I am God’s daughter first.
I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I thought. I know that God has prepared me and kept me for this very moment. That even in one of my greatest loss, there’s victory in God. My soul’s desire is to be of service to God and His purpose for my life. To simply live out my highest level of love, authenticity, creativity, productivity and success.
I also learned that in my deepest sorrow, there’s always a rainbow staring me in the face waiting to be noticed. My rainbow is the announcing of a new grand baby on the way. Yesterday, my daughter and son-in-love announced that they are pregnant. What an amazing gift!
I shall forever love my mother and be her daughter. Yet, I’m also a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a friend, a wife and I am so blessed to have a husband who loves me, family, friends and supporting cast who don’t mind demonstrating what love looks like to me. I’m so very blessed to know a God who never leaves me or forsakes me.
Today, I’m well. For that I am grateful. This is a lesson that I learned from my mom. Now, if you excuse me…I’ve got some life to live.