One of the things that I am often mindful of is truth-telling. Not just being truthful with others, but more importantly, being truthful with myself.
For years, I lived in a space where I was not deeply honest and truthful with myself. I would go along to just get along. I never wanted to disappoint anyone.
I learned this behavior early on in my life, when I was 5 years of age. This was the time when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was in the early sixties when chemo had not been invented and women were dropping dead at alarming numbers. Specifically, women of color.
My grandmother, who lived with us, always told me that if my mom was stressed or worried, that her cancer would return. As a 5 year old, this was a lot for me to process. Yet, I told myself to be really good and never make any trouble because that would keep my mom alive. I learned, at a young age, to comply with others even when I didn’t want to. To go along to just get along. To always be a good girl and not get in trouble or upset mom.
This mindset and behavior followed me into adulthood and became the source of much of my pains, fears, struggles, traumas and wounds. Coupled with the fact that, I was a fatherless daughter because my biological father was never around and rejected/abandoned me. I carried an enormous load of rejection and abandonment fears. Can you imagine carrying all of this pain around as an adult woman, a wife and mother? Wow, was I a hot mess!
It took years of deep work for me to release and heal these fears, beliefs and ideas that were governing my life and showing up in my choices, decisions and behaviors. I had trained myself to disown my truth, to disown what I valued and to disown myself.
I had to learned how to tell the truth to myself. Learning to tell the truth and even say “Yes” to myself and “No” to others liberated me. I learned to be honest with myself about my life. Because when I am honest with myself, then I can truly be honest with you.
Life can show up in ways that are painful beyond words. Oftentimes, that pain can sweep us into a whirlwind of mounting grief. Yet, we shake it off and once again step into the world as if nothing is wrong. We walk around with piled up grief, piled up trauma and piled up pain. It can be so riveting that we run for shelter and refuge just to cope and hide.
For some, we find refuge in the church. For others we find refuge a drink/drugs, food, work, sex and so much more. For me, I found refuge in my church and in my work. I was determined that I was going to be the model Christian. I was going to please God at all cost. But there I was again, creating a space where I had to earn love, earn my value and my worth. I treated God like He was a pimp. In some odd way, I believed that if I turned this “trick” (do something good) for God, that I would get blessed by Him. Many people do this on their spiritual journey.
I one day realized that God was not interested in me being perfect. No, what God wanted was a Oneness with me. God wanted me to trust Him and He wanted to show me love, value, comfort and care.
I also used my work to hide behind. I felt that being successful would make me worthy and valued in the world. Only to discover that what I “Did” was not “Who” I was. As I rose to success, I had lots of friends. At least that’s what I thought. When I slowed down (on purpose) and began to do business differently, those same so called friends stop dialing my number. I was not as valuable to THEM any longer. As I healed, I realized my real value was not wrapped up in a title…or money…but it was wrapped up in WHO I had become.
Finding someone who could help me deal with these unhealed spaces deep within was difficult. I would find people who could identify my issues, and analyze its roots. But very few knew how to get into the heart of what was truly happening and work to heal it. So, my healing journey took longer than it did for others because I learn much of it on my own. I did it and through my own transformation, I created some powerful programs with deep healing modalities so that others would not have to take that same lonely path that I did.
Like so many people, I felt safer trying to contain and manage my pains, traumas and wounds. But it would only be temporary. Because what I needed was deeper healing down to a cellular level…in my soul.
Nowadays, I have learned to tell the truth. Even when I show up in my work, on my social media pages, in my writings, my speaking, my relationships…you get the real me. I don’t try to impress or paint a life that’s not real or true. Because I don’t need the affirmations, approvals or likes of others. I no longer live someone else’s idea of what my life should be. I simply live and share m The Awakened Life Journey.
As we all navigate through these troubled times in the world, we all have encountered some new wounds. This pandemic, political unrest, racism and gender inequality, hatred and division has created a lot of trauma, anxiety, uncertainty within our midst. The state of the world is one be gaping wound that’s oozing out into our streets, our homes, our workspaces, our relationships, and in our souls.
Once again, we must attend to these new wounds. It’s definitely time for us to face our stuff, tell the truth and begin to heal. Because when we each heal, then we all can heal. This is how we heal the world. Are you ready to face your stuff?