It starts out small. You feel a little frustrated and somewhat irritable. Then it happens. He says something that totally ticks you off and your shoe flies towards his head. You are screaming at the top of your lungs, the tears are rolling down your cheeks, your breathing is rapid and you feel the heat run past your ear lobes.
Now you are at a point of no return. You are saying things that you don’t really mean. But what you really want is for him to hear you, for him to feel your pain. You want him to understand that he has hurt you and in some small way, you want him to hurt as well.
He gets angry and looks at you as if you are a crazy woman! He walks out and now you are alone once again. After curling up in a fetal position and crying your eyes out, you know that you may have pushed it too far this time. You feel the fear rise up within you and you don’t know how to fix it. You can’t breathe. You’re crippled with fear that you are going to lose the relationship, or the job or whatever it was that you vented your rage towards. There’s a feeling of sorrow that rises in you. And you say to yourself that you will not allow your anger to get out of control like that again.
Time passes. He comes back home or you don’t lose your job. Now you can breathe again. Perhaps he really does love you, or suppose your job really does like your work. Then you feel a sense of relief…until the next time. Then the cycle repeats itself all over again.
Sounds familiar? I know this scenario all too well. There was a time in my life when my anger was out to control. I could feel it seething within me when triggered. I carried this rage within me and it took very little triggers to open up the flood gate of my rage.
Rage is a silent killer. It’s like a fire and it can destroy everything in its path. It starts out small as frustration, then it turns to anger and if fed the right trigger, it will erupt into full blown rage.
But it was when I was pregnant with my first child, thirty years ago, that I knew I needed to get a handle on my temper. I didn’t want to be a mother who could not control her anger. So I tried very hard to control myself and not give into the triggers. I used my “will power” to change it. So, I thought.
While I no longer erupted into outbursts of rage, I was now suppressing my anger and turning it inward on myself. My rage still manifested, but this time in the form of pain in my body, severe headaches, bouts of depression, constipation and anxiety attacks.
Not only does anger destroy relationships, it will also destroy the body. There have been numerous studies that prove anger can cause tumors, stroke, heart disease, and even cancer.
It was years before I realized what was happening to me. I had deceived myself into believing that I was now a calm, peaceful woman. Yet, my resentment, anger and rage were lying dormant beneath the layers of my false illusions, like a volcano waiting to erupt.
I soon discovered that I was a ticking time bomb and if I didn’t release this rage, it would soon kill me.
My first lesson was understanding that you cannot eliminate anything until you get rid of the source…the root. Most anger arises out of a feeling powerless. It serves as a protective factor when we feel less than or powerless. And all of that comes from the root of fear.
But when we learn that we are never powerless and that we have nothing to fear, we can begin to face our problems from a place of love. Love is the answer to every question. Your anger and your rage are there because you have forgotten to love. I had to remember how to love.
Remembering to love required that I remembered who I was. I was a child of God, born from the pure essence of love. My journey to letting go of my rage was not an easy one, but surely a necessary one.
I have since identified the root cause of my anger and resentment. I learned to how to heal those wounded places. Please know this work cannot be done alone. And know that it cannot be done without God. God can heal the broken places deep within your soul. When God’s love comes in, the anger goes out. My heart now no longer filled with fear, it is filled with love. My heart no longer attacks…it only knows how to love. Where love is…fear can no longer exist.